Test Anxiety

I have test anxiety. I really shouldn't. I know that; but, I do anyway. I remember taking the test every year in grade school. It never stressed me out. It was a piece of cake. I actually thought it was fun! Now my anxiety level is incredibly high even though I am not the one taking the test. Why?

Well, I have more to lose now that my self confidence is on the line. See, the CAT is a tool for measuring how I did this year at homeschooling my kids. It's not a complete picture of what the kids know. It's not even a measure of their intelligence. What it really reveals is how well I covered the material & where my weaknesses are. The kids can't be blamed for not knowing something on the test, not if I didn't teach it to them. It's not K & T's weaknesses that are exposed; but mine. Who likes having their weaknesses exposed? I'd rather not believe I have any weaknesses. I certainly don't want them quantified on paper.

Last year, I had no test anxiety. In fact, I anticipated seeing where the weak spots were. It was our first year homeschooling. They had different teachers before me. T skipped 2nd grade. I expected weak spots & I wasn't disappointed. Although their percentile scores were at the top, there were weak spots clearly illustrated on the bottom half of the report. They both needed work in grammar. T could use a little more phonics instruction. A couple of areas in math needed to be gone over. I appreciated the data. It verified what I already knew from observing them all that year. It let me know what I needed to fix. I looked forward to getting the test scores back.

So, why am I so anxious this year? The answer is somewhat complicated and basically boils down to "I can't blame anyone but me if they do poorly." I don't really expect them to actually do poorly; but, anything less than the scores they got last year would be considered a failure (on my part.)

I was completely unprepared when we pulled them out of school last year. I didn't have any books ordered or anything really. My plan was to simply get them out of the school environment before irreparable damage was done. (K, who had previously loved to read, had quit reading.) They were smart kids. We were desperate. We'd find a way, somehow. I planned the curriculum one week at a time. I searched the internet, trucked to the library, & basically pulled lessons out of thin air. I laid awake at night worrying, but, not at standardized test time. I didn't care if they scored 1% on the CAT. (Well, I'd probably have fainted.) K was reading for fun again & T had his enthusiasm back. I considered that a success. We could catch up the following year if needed.

This year it's a different situation. I have the workbooks. I have the curriculum planned. I have delivered lessons as scheduled. I have the support network in place. I have no excuses. This year the CAT measures whether or not I am a competent homeschooler. This year there is no one but me to blame for those weak spots. I hope there aren't too many of them.